Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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