I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
