best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
