no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
