I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
