My room smells like vodka and shame
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
