Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
