So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
