it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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