At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
