Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
