HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
