well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
