Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
