I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
