i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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