How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i will never coherently bang her
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
