Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
