I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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