This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
