How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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