Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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