i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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