tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
