you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
