I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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