i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
