There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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