Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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