Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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