If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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