We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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