I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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