you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I don't deserve a penis
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
