In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
