I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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