I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
