evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm too high and old for this...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
