i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
