I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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