I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
