I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
