I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
