Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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