WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just pee around me
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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