I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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