She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
