Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
