All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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