I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
